The Photographer and I are working on a house that we expect to move into soon. As anyone who has ever done any sort of home improvement project can tell you, no matter how carefully you plan, everything takes longer and costs more than you would think.
This is not an easy process for me, and coming across something I wrote years ago about the alchemical process Coagulatio gave me some clues as to why. Coagulatio is about coming down to earth, and setting things in stone. I am much better at the abstract – ideas, words, theories, intuition. The concrete scares me. I wrote, “I wondered what in my life I could possibly want to make that permanent and how I could trust my artistic skill enough to make this work.”
Working on this house, I find that that is still the question. I have rented the entirety of my adult life, yet here we are moving our lives (and a large chunk of our savings) into a very particular little bit of stone that we are working to fully inhabit. I don’t know if I have the artistic skill, or the comfort with the physical world, to make this home. The Photographer is very at home in the physical world, taking things apart, putting things together, making things work according to his vision. His innate understanding of power tools never ceases to amaze me.
As I read what I wrote years ago about the value of bringing ideas down to earth so that new steps can be taken, and the concept of stepping stones as an antidote to being lost, it occurs to me that some part of me keeps making these choices of permanence, and earthiness, in spite of all my hesitation. I wonder what she knows that I keep forgetting.