Coagulatio, Part II

DSC_2915The Photographer and I are working on a house that we expect to move into soon. As anyone who has ever done any sort of home improvement project can tell you, no matter how carefully you plan, everything takes longer and costs more than you would think.

This is not an easy process for me, and coming across something I wrote years ago about the alchemical process Coagulatio gave me some clues as to why. Coagulatio is about coming down to earth, and setting things in stone. I am much better at the abstract – ideas, words, theories, intuition. The concrete scares me. I wrote, “I wondered what in my life I could possibly want to make that permanent and how I could trust my artistic skill enough to make this work.” 

Working on this house, I find that that is still the question. I have rented the entirety of my adult life, yet here we are moving our lives (and a large chunk of our savings) into a very particular little bit of stone that we are working to fully inhabit. I don’t know if I have the artistic skill, or the comfort with the physical world, to make this home. The Photographer is very at home in the physical world, taking things apart, putting things together, making things work according to his vision. His innate understanding of power tools never ceases to amaze me.

As I read what I wrote years ago about the value of bringing ideas down to earth so that new steps can be taken, and the concept of stepping stones as an antidote to being lost, it occurs to me that some part of me keeps making these choices of permanence, and earthiness, in spite of all my hesitation. I wonder what she knows that I keep forgetting. 

Mistakes

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I had an almost-dream just upon waking this morning. I saw these words written as though on a screen behind my eyes: “You are going to make a big mistake.”

Yikes. My first thought was that perhaps I had already overslept and missed something important, but I hadn’t. My second thought was, when has this not been true? I made a pretty big mistake just yesterday when I accidentally misscheduled a client. I feel bad about that one.

No doubt I am far from done making big mistakes. I can only hope the next one will be a necessary mistake, one that puts me in the path of something (or on the path to something) I could not have come to any other way.

Blog Tour: Reflections on a Changing Writing Process

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I got a call from my friend Rebecca, who I had not heard from in person in quite some time. As we caught up, she asked if she could tag me for the Blog Tour. I had no idea what this meant, but as she explained a little more I said sure, ok, I have not been so great about writing blog posts in awhile, so yes, by all means, tag away.

When I saw that this would involve answering some questions about my writing process, I cringed a little. I have not been so good about writing for at least the past year, maybe longer. You can tell by how scattered these posts have become, but even apart from that, I’ve been far too sporadic about writing. Rather than shying away from the subject altogether, I decided it was time to embrace it, perhaps by way of writing about it. So here goes.

1. What am I working on now?

The biggest thing I am working on is buying a house, packing stuff, and planning some renovations. This is a big and overwhelming job. I wrote in April about how we were looking for something along the lines of Mrs. Marker’s house, and I think we finally found it, which is excellent news. But I am also realizing that the big difference between moving into another rental space and moving into a house like this is the huge amount of transitional work that has to be done. At a certain point, I took one look at it and felt like going back to bed, and I’ve been fighting that ever since.

I’m also working on getting the word out about an essay contest, planning a study group on poetry for late August, learning Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and in general finding something resembling balance between all these different demands. Writing wise, it feels like the job is to try to find bits of time here and there for the practice.

2. How does my work differ from others in the genre?

What genre might that be, exactly? I really don’t know. Several years ago, I wrote about my irritation with a lot of online writing and promised my readers this blog would contain no lists of tips, no round ups, no best-ofs and no five-steps-to types of posts. None of that stuff that’s supposed to make for successful blogging, in other words. That is probably the single biggest difference.

3. Why do I write what I do?

That one is easy. I write not to get lost.

4. How does my writing process work?

To be honest, lately it doesn’t. Perhaps I’ve reached a transitional point where the process needs to change. I count this about item number five hundred in my mental list of things you don’t learn in arts education programs: Your creative process (or meditative process, or any other kind of process) is not something to make an identity of. The path changes sometimes. Sometimes the trail you are following through the woods disappears and you have to find (or forge) a new one. That’s all part of the deal. It’s not a failure. I’m not lost, but I’m in a bit of uncharted territory right now, creative process wise. I’ll let you know what I find from here!

On that note, I have to confess I can’t bring myself to “tag” anyone, at least not directly. So how about we do this a bit non-traditionally: If you feel moved to write a post on the subject of creative process, whether or not you want to specifically answer the three questions above, consider yourself officially tagged. And if you are further compelled, leave me a comment so I can read what you have to say!

 

Enzymes

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Some time ago, I wrote a post about a former teacher of mine who was facing some adversity. Actually, that may be an understatement. She was essentially fired. I found this upsetting for a variety of reasons, but as I expected, she landed in a good place, teaching a different subject in a different school. And while I’m sure that would not have been a career move she would have chosen otherwise, I have no doubt that it benefitted a lot of students.

Recently, I found out she decided to leave public education altogether. This news actually made the local newspaper in my hometown, which cited standardized testing as the reason for the decision.

I’ve only loosely followed the debate over the past decade about standardized testing, and more recently, common core. I have friends whose opinions I respect who are very passionate about it, many of them parents and/or teachers who are, as a result of their roles, far more invested than I. I am not terribly well informed about this myself. However, as I’ve followed the debate, a story I heard a long time ago keeps bubbling to the surface.

The Artist once took a course in herbal healing from a wilderness school known for teaching a variety of indigenous skills. Her teacher told a story of one plant that was scientifically studied and its benefits debunked. The study involved analysis of the chemical compounds in the plant itself, as it grew in the wild. What the researchers failed to realize was that indigenous healers would actually chew the plant before using it. Enzymes in their human saliva broke the plant down in a certain way, transformed it, and made it of use, unlocked the healing power, as it were, made it biologically available to the human body. Thus the debunking was itself debunked, for anyone who cared to pay attention and consider the human factor and the training and skill of the healer.

In healing and teaching (closely allied professions), we are in an era in which we seem to collectively discount the most important factors. We are obsessed with knowing “what works,” as if there is a set of actions any automaton could perform that will teach, or heal, a standardized person in a standardized way, with standard and measurable effects. After all this time, we really ought to know better. We have somehow failed to consider the human factor, the training, skill and intuition of healers and teachers, the human relationship, the enzymes in the saliva that bring about real change. How limited and small. How very sad.

 

Being There

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Most of us at one time or another indulge in consideration of what we might do if we suddenly came into a large amount of money, say, by winning the lottery. What would it be like to be able to do anything, money being no issue? Recently I’ve talked with several friends going through life changing experiences, and yesterday, having just gotten off the phone with one of them, I had the thought that if I won the lottery, I might like to stop working and just be there for my friends and family. For instance, if someone had surgery, I’d be able to go and wait with the family in the waiting room, run errands and cook meals. If someone lost a loved one, I’d be able to drop everything to go to the funeral, even in a distant city. I think I could really appreciate the job of being there for the people I love professionally. I hate it when something major is happening and I’m not able to be present for it.

In a way, I kind of have that job already, though the people I get to be there for are my therapy clients, and I don’t typically get to know them before they’re struggling, since they come to me often when things have reached some sort of tipping point, and we dive in together. Often when I ask clients about their social supports, they talk about their hesitance to talk to friends and family or ask for help because, after all, no one wants to be a burden. Usually when this comes up, I ask them to recall a time they were there for someone else in a time of need, and what that felt like. It’s generally a very good memory, often something that led to a closer relationship with that person, or something that called them to delve a little deeper into themselves and find something really valuable they didn’t know they possessed. I have never once had anyone talk about what a pain it was, or how it required them to leave work early, or how they didn’t get as much sleep that night because of it.

I want to say this clearly because it’s easy to forget: It’s a privilege to be able to be there for the people we love. It’s an absolute privilege.

Mrs. Marker’s House

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WP_000489When I was young, we lived next door to a woman named Mrs. Marker, who I remember as having been very old. When we are four or five, of course, everyone seems very old. My older brother and I would walk over and visit Mrs. Marker occasionally, and she was always happy to see us. A very generous woman, she gave us a radio that I listened to while falling asleep throughout most of my childhood. Mrs. Marker died when I was in the first grade, and hers was the first funeral I ever attended. I don’t remember being particularly sad. I’m sure it was explained to me that people die, and I’m sure that I accepted that Mrs. Marker had lived a lot of life and that things were as they should be.

When I got older, my mother told me stories about her that I remember to this day. Apparently when Mrs. Marker’s husband died, she went into a deep depression. One day she woke up and saw Jesus sitting at the foot of her bed. He told her to get up. She replied that she didn’t feel like living. He told her that he understood, but that one day she would, and she needed to get out of bed now. My mother also told me Mrs. Marker used to chase the devil out of her house with a broom. This may sound odd to those not raised in the Bible Belt, but to me, it has always sounded like a perfectly valid way to deal with depression.

The Engineer sent the above picture today and told me that her house (we still think of it as Mrs. Marker’s house even though a steady stream of people have lived there over the last 30 years) was sold to a development company and torn down to make way for new construction. It’s happening a lot in my old neighborhood. Dad’s house is now surrounded by new, monstrously large houses, and it being on the corner lot, I’m sure that as soon as he decides to leave, it too will be replaced with something massive.

Meanwhile in the Midwest, the Photographer and I are doing some house hunting, and we would love to find something along the lines of Mrs. Marker’s house – not too big, in a good neighborhood, on a nice sized lot. It’s proving hard to come by. There seem to be very small houses and very big houses, but finding the in between is not so easy. I love older homes and have always missed the fireplace in the house I grew up in. We’ve seen a lot of homes with the fireplace bricked up, for energy efficiency of course, but it’s hard not to think of that as a real shame. The Photographer grew up on land where they raised sheep and chickens, and while we don’t aspire to farm life, he finds the many backyards in our area with no more than five square feet of green rather sad. It’s hard not to feel like something we care about – a picture, our history, something unnamable – is disappearing. And yet today when I saw this photo, what came to mind was the image of Mrs. Marker in her bed, feeling that the future she was in was not one she wanted to be a part of, and Jesus, at the foot of it, saying that one day, things will feel different.

Promises to Jim

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A few years ago, I had a dream that the Nurse and the Artist had a baby, and it was a boy who had a very particular name. I dreamed the full name, first and middle. Several years later, when the Artist was pregnant with her second child, their first boy, they had several possible names picked out, including the one I had dreamed. They asked soon to be big sister Nora what her favorite was. She said the baby’s name was Jim, and she never wavered. Every time someone asked her about the baby sibling she was going to have, it was, “I’m having a brother, and his name’s Jim!” And so, Jim it is. In fact, his full name is the exact name I dreamed several years ago, before Nora was even here.

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It could be that I was dreaming all those years ago about the Jim that would be born this year. Or it could be that the Nurse and the Artist, people wise enough to take both dreams and the pronouncements of children seriously, made a conscious decision to name their second child in just such a way. It could be that the idea of us is fully formed before we are born, and it could be that we create ourselves and are created, simultaneously and perpetually. I prefer to think it’s the latter, and if that is the case, then I have a sense of responsibility to those I love to participate in their self-creation. In the service of that, I have a few promises for you, Jim:

I promise to keep dreaming for you, to listen to the wisdom of those dreams, and to be there to listen when you want to tell someone about the dreams you have. I promise to ask great questions. I promise to tell you lots of excellent stories about your grandmother. I promise to help you find your own space and shape in the midst of your wonderful and raucous cousins and your playful and wise sister. I promise to remind your Dad about the roundabout and sometimes dangerous paths we took to becoming who we are the minute he starts saying anything that sounds like “Kids these days…” in your general direction.

 

 

 

Aion, Time and the Self

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I’ve been in a sort of extended hibernation this winter. Partially this is due to the weather, which has been exceptionally cold and snowy this year. There have been several days this winter when we’ve been all but forced to stay home and do next to nothing, which is often good therapy, but also a bit mind numbing and lethargic. In a way, it’s actually the perfect setup for a study group I’ve just begun to participate in with my friend Rose, a Jungian analyst and all around wise woman who agreed to put together a group of people to tackle Aion, one of Jung’s most difficult works.

Last week, we discussed the basic concepts of Aion, that the world, and consciousness, unfolds throughout a series of eras, or aeons, which span thousands of years. The book takes an extremely broad view of human psychic and psychospiritual history, and it touches on such questions as: What is the character of the aeon that is ending and the one that is beginning? What of the Self is being expressed? How are the dominant religious myths expressions or projections of that Self? These are mind blowing and world shaking questions.

This week I read the second quarter of Edward Edinger’s book, The Aion Lectures: Exploring the Self in C.G. Jung’s Aion, which, while not light reading by any measure, is easier than Jung’s text. I read it mostly sick and in bed and occasionally getting tired and drifting off, which is probably the perfect way to tackle such a subject. It keeps my analytical mind at bay and frees me from the burden of having to “understand” everything. Unfortunately, it also makes it difficult to put thoughts and images together in coherent sentences that can be shared in a blog, so I will have to ask my friends and readers to be patient with me. The pot is being stirred, and I promise to share thoughts and images when I can pull together an expression of them in a more blog-friendly manner. But for now, I’m still reading, dreaming and hibernating. And I hope you are doing much the same.

Asking for History to be Born (and, a word from Ricky Bobby)

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This December, I’m reading an Advent book by Franciscan priest and ecumenical teacher Richard Rohr, who writes about the difference between Jesus in the flesh, or as we see him almost universally depicted this time of year, “Baby Jesus,” and what he calls the Cosmic Christ. Being of Jungian psychological orientation, I find it easier to say, the archetypal Christ. He makes the point that we are missing something if we perpetually conceptualize Christ as a baby. A baby does not demand adult relationship or maturity from us. The archetypal Christ does. As Rohr writes, “The Christ we are asking for and waiting for includes your own full birth and the further birth of history and creation.” 

I like the idea that there is an opportunity during the dark hours each year to reflect on what of the archetypal Christ wants to be born in us, and into history. I feel hopeful about myself and about the world when I consider this possibility.

In the midst of of these deep thoughts the perpetual movie screen in my mind abruptly cut to this:

I’m pretty sure that whatever it is of the divine that wants to be born in me at this moment has a pretty unbelievable sense of humor.

 

The Problem of Identity

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A few weeks ago, this article about a tough music teacher made the rounds via email. I wound up discussing it with some friends, including a school counselor who had a lot to say about the need for kids to learn certain psychological skills that they never get a chance to learn if they are always assiduously protected from criticism, failure and competition. The idea that failure = unnecessary trauma is a particularly dangerous one, a belief that has crept up on us in our efforts to make the world more fair and more fun for our children. It’s a noble goal, but misguided. The world is not supposed to always be fair and fun.

The most striking aspect of this article when I think back through my own life is the idea that “grit trumps talent.” It took my a very long time to understand the proper relationship between grit and talent. The problem with being told you’re “smart” is that this gets understood as an identity. An NPR segment on a musician who was once a child prodigy said it this way: Very few of these prodigies make the transition from child prodigy to master adult musician, because that requires a whole different skill set. A prodigy has a certain innate and remarkable ability, and s/he can master something that’s already been invented. But adult creativity requires doing something in a whole new way.

To put it another way: Innate talent is only interesting because of what we do with it. To build an identity around the talent itself is to get lost.

I recall far too many discussions as an undergraduate in a creative writing program about what it was to be a “real” writer. There were readings from Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet on the subject. There was a certain image people felt a need to fit. There was an aesthetic, and there were ethics. This was all ego stuff. We spent far too much time learning how to be writers, and not nearly enough learning to write.

The problem of identity is that it is both necessary and misleading. There is a time to say to a kid, wow, look how good you are! But there is also a time to say, yes, we’ve established that you’re good at that. The question is, what are you going to do now?

 

 

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